🏆CC🪷🔵 | Wellbeing | I Was Looking

I was looking. I do not know when I started. I do not know what I was looking for. I know that I was looking. I know that I was in the basement. I know that I was building and destroying and building again. I know that I was stopping the car to write on a receipt. I know that I was sitting at the kitchen table at 3 a.m. with a notebook and a pen and I was trying to write down the thing that was in my body and I could not.

And while I was looking. While I was in the basement. While I was building and destroying. I found things. Small things. Specific things. A number on a clock. A date on a receipt. A row in a spreadsheet. A page number in a book I was not even reading. And I held them. I did not know what I was holding them for. I did not know what they were for. I just held them. The way you hold a stone you found on the ground. You do not know what it is for. You do not know why you picked it up. But you pick it up. And you put it in your pocket. And you keep walking. And it is in your pocket. And you do not throw it away.

And one of the stones was 8/8/8.

The number was not the message

I want to be honest about this. I am not going to tell you that 8/8/8 means something. I am not going to tell you that the number 8 is a “symbol of infinity” or a “cosmic frequency” or a “celestial alignment that unlocks your higher consciousness.” I am not going to do any of that. Because I do not know. I do not know what it means. I do not know what it is for. I do not have a name for it. I have a stone. And the stone is 8/8/8. And I found it on a Tuesday in August, and I looked up at the clock, and the numbers were the ones, and something in my chest did a small, quiet shift, and I put the stone in my pocket, and I kept walking.

And I have been carrying the stone for years. And I still do not know what it is for. And that is fine. The stone does not need to mean something for me to carry it. The stone does not need to be a “message” or a “sign” or a “portal.” The stone is the stone. And I am the one who picked it up. And I am the one who is carrying it. And that is the whole thing.

I was looking for the door

Here is what I think I was looking for. Not the number. Not the alignment. Not the “cosmic event.” The door. I was in the basement. I was building the house. I was painting the rooms. I was putting the furniture in. And I was looking for the door. The front door. The one that opens to the outside. The one that says: you can walk out. You can let someone in. You can open it. And I did not know it was there. I did not know I was looking for it. I just knew that I was in the basement. And I was building. And I was looking. And the looking was the thing. The looking was the work. The looking was the life.

And the number was on the wall. And I saw it. And I held it. And it was not the door. It was not the key. It was a stone. A small, specific, “I saw this and I do not know what it is for” stone. And I put it in my pocket. And I kept looking. And I kept building. And I kept walking.

And the door was there the whole time. I just did not know I was looking for it. And then one day I did. And I opened it. And the light came in. And the house was the house. And the rooms were the rooms. And the stone was still in my pocket. And I still do not know what it is for. And that is fine.

I am still looking

I am not going to tell you that the looking is over. I am not going to tell you that I “found my purpose” or “unlocked my higher self” or “stepped through the portal.” I am going to tell you something smaller. I am still looking. I am still in the house. I am still building. I am still putting the furniture in. I am still painting the rooms. And I am still looking for the next thing. The next stone. The next number. The next “oh, and I saw that again” moment. And I do not know what it is for. And I will hold it. And I will put it in my pocket. And I will keep walking.

And the looking is not a problem to be solved. The looking is the life. The looking is the work. The looking is the specific, quiet, unremarkable act of being in the house and not knowing where the door is and building anyway. And the stones are in the pocket. And the pocket is full. And I do not know what they are for. And that is the whole thing.

And if you are looking. If you are in the basement. If you are building and destroying and building again. If you are stopping the car to write on a receipt. If you are sitting at the kitchen table at 3 a.m. with a notebook and a pen and you are trying to write down the thing that is in your body and you cannot. If you are looking. And you do not know what you are looking for. And you found a stone. And you put it in your pocket. And you do not know what it is for.

You are not lost. You are looking. And the looking is the work. And the stone is the stone. And the pocket is full. And the house is being built. And the door is there. And you will find it. Not because the number told you to. Because you are still looking. And the looking is the thing. And the looking is the life.

And that is the whole thing. Keep looking. Keep building. Keep walking. And keep the stone in your pocket.

🎧 If you would rather listen to this one, the audio is here. Take it if it is for you.

🏆 This is part of Coach Clear. The slow, honest work of finding your way. coachclear.net