🏆CC🧭🔵 | Self-Growth | I Was Not Looking for a Purpose

I read a guide to finding your life’s purpose. It was written by a life coach. It had sections. “Exploring Your Passions and Interests.” “Identifying Your Core Values.” “Recognizing Your Strengths and Talents.” “Embracing the Journey of Self-Discovery.” And at the end: “Your transformation awaits.”

And I closed the tab.

Not because it was bad. Not because the coach was wrong. Because I recognized the shape of it. And the shape of it was the thing I was doing for thirteen years without knowing it was a shape. I was making the list. The “what are my passions” list. The “what are my values” list. The “what am I good at” list. And the list was never done. And the not-done-ness was the hiding. And I did not know that until the house was standing.

The list was the hiding

Here is what I noticed when I read the “Exploring Your Passions” section. It says: “What activities make you come alive? What topics or subjects do you find yourself naturally drawn to? Take some time to reflect on these questions and make a list.” And I thought: that is exactly what I was doing. In the basement. For thirteen years. Making the list. And the list was seven pen names. And a thousand blog posts. And multiple domains. And a Pinterest page. And a YouTube channel. And an Amazon author page. And a Buy Me a Coffee. And the list was never done. And the not-done-ness felt like a failure. And it was not a failure. It was the hiding wearing the mask of “self-discovery.”

The purpose was not on the list. The purpose was the building. And I did not know that. I thought the purpose was the thing I would find when the list was done. And the list was never going to be done. And the building was the purpose. And I was in the middle of it. And I did not know I was in the middle of it.

The values were not a “compass”

The “Identifying Your Core Values” section says: “Your core values are the fundamental beliefs and principles that guide your behavior and decision-making. They are the compass that helps you navigate through life.” And I thought: that is not how it worked for me. The values were not a compass. A compass points. A compass says: go here. And I did not have a compass. I had a wall. And I was pressing my forehead against the wall. And the wall was the value. The “I will not stop building” value. The “I will not let the thing die” value. The “I will stop the car and write on the receipt” value. And the wall was not a compass. The wall was the thing I was made of. And I did not need to “identify” it. I was already in it. I was already pressing my forehead against it.

The strengths were not a “talent inventory”

The “Recognizing Your Strengths and Talents” section says: “Reflect on your past achievements and moments when you felt most alive and accomplished. What skills or abilities were you utilizing in those moments?” And I thought: I do not have a list of achievements. I have a list of things I did not want to do but did anyway. I did not want to write. I wrote. I did not want to teach. I taught for twenty years. I did not want to learn the language. I learned it. I did not want to homeschool. I homeschooled for six years. And the “strength” was not the doing. The strength was the not-wanting-to-do-it-and-doing-it-anyway. And that is not a “talent inventory.” That is a body that will not let the thing stay inside.

The “journey” was not a journey

The last section says: “Finding your life’s purpose is not an overnight process. It requires patience, self-reflection, and a willingness to embrace the journey of self-discovery.” And I thought: it was not a journey. A journey has a direction. A journey goes from here to there. And I was not going from here to there. I was going in circles. In the basement. Building and destroying and building again. And the circles were not a “journey of self-discovery.” The circles were the building. And the building was the purpose. And I did not know that until I stopped circling and looked up and saw the walls. And the walls were the house. And the house was the purpose. And I had been in it the whole time.

The guide is the guide

I am not going to “take a leap of faith.” I am not going to “trust in my own inner wisdom.” I am not going to “embark on this journey.” I am going to keep building. And the building is the purpose. And I do not need a coach to tell me that. And I do not need a “practical step” or a “valuable insight” or a “transformational journey.” I need the wall. And the forehead. And the receipt. And the car in the parking lot. And the thirteen years. And the house that is standing now. And the door that is open. And the fact that I was in the house the whole time and did not know it.

The guide is the guide. And I am not the person the guide is for. I am the person who was in the basement. And the basement is the house. And the house is standing. And the door is open. And I am not “embarking on a journey.” I am walking through the door. And the door is already open. And I just have to walk through it.

🎧 If you would rather listen to this one, the audio is here. Take it if it is for you.

🧭 If you want to go deeper into this, Discover Your Path is the full guide.

🏆 This is part of Coach Clear. The slow, honest work of finding your way. coachclear.net